I hate to admit that, after all this time, I still hunger for that final revenge. I’m so disgusted and ashamed of and angry with my father. And all of this mess. I’d at least want an apology; is that not too much to ask for?
He sees it as disrespect; my own selfishness that I’m choosing to leave the familial nest as soon as I can — that is, I’m not so eager to throw my whole life into this huge drama as his willing apprentice as he’d have hoped. That I’ve changed, and no longer care for all this idiocy.
I hate that he’ll never see what he’s done as wrong, and that I’ll forever be at fault for it. Most of all, I hate how its so far removed from this society and culture, no one but my sister could probably understand. Distancing myself from him emotionally is no where near enough. He still control all of us so entirely, I quail in fear of the atrocities he’d be capable of.
“Next time I just won’t talk to you about it”. I can’t believe he’d act so lowly; nay, even think such thoughts! Has he no moral code at all? Does he truly believe I’d stay so loyal to the family pact as to lie in court for him, should it ever come to that?
He’d be dead wrong. He’s so fucking controlling and manipulative, I genuinely hate it how I can’t even trust my own damn father.
This is awful. He needs help, for fuck’s sake. I need to get out of here.